


Yellow

by qunimees (rqyh)



Series: Reaching for the Skies (YakuLev Week 2016) [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depictions of Sadness, M/M, i was really sad when i wrote this ok, this is really really sad, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-08 02:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7740355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rqyh/pseuds/qunimees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He laughed to himself, a bit bitterly.</p><p>To think, Yaku was the person who made everything worthwhile. The one who scolded him almost daily. The one who punched him in places he's already punched himself in before.</p><p>Some days, he thought he deserved him.</p><p>Other days, he didn't think he did.</p><p>-<br/>In which Lev wants to smile for real, and Yaku is the closest to real he'll ever get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yellow

**Author's Note:**

> Day Six: ~~Flinch / Didn't know they were dating~~ No Prompt

 

LEV SOMETIMES WONDERED what it would be like if people could read his mind, find out that he wasn't as loud and energetic as he was on the outside.

His mind was a simple gray box full of nothing but his voice telling him the things he didn't want to know, the things he already knew.

He often stayed awake in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling, at the glow-in-the-dark stars he had put there himself when he was younger. The ones that lost their glow a long time ago.

He let the tears flow because he couldn't understand it. He couldn't understand why he was like this. Why there was a gaping hole in the middle of his chest. Why he felt like crying could fill it all up.

But his chest was a sieve, and everything was falling, falling, falling.

He just stared and let the tears flow. Stare. Let it flow. Stare. Flow.

He closed his eyes and wished for time to stop whatever it was doing and give him a fraction of what it gave the world.

But he didn't deserve it. No, he didn't deserve it, at all.

Lev sometimes wondered what it would be like if he showed others what he felt like on the inside, crumbling and falling apart. If he never smiled. If he never made an effort.

Maybe then people would stop smiling at him, expecting another back. Maybe then people would stop showing him the things he didn't have.

It was probably a bad decision to walk in that gym just as soon as he was given the flyer. He was jumping down a flight of stairs that didn't have any handles, after all.

But the people on those posters were smiling and laughing and playing, and Lev wanted anything that could make him smile for real. He craved it.

He'd get it even if it meant never escaping whatever he had just fallen into.

Lev sometimes wondered what it would be like if Yaku wasn't part of the volleyball team.

He probably wouldn't be staying later than everyone else practicing his receives. And he probably wouldn't almost always be kicked and punched constantly at every direction because of the words he wanted to bite back but didn't.

Because it had been such a long time since he had ever been praised for something he did on his own, something he could call his own.

Because it had been such a long time since he had wanted to smile and cry at the same time because it hurt him and made him a little better at the same time.

Because the wide smile on his lips was a little realer than before.

Lev sometimes wondered what would have happened if Yaku had seen him crouched down in the middle of the park, his head in his hands, his hands covered in salty tears.

What would Yaku do if he saw him like this? Saw him crying but not knowing why he was crying. Saw him crying without any real reason to.

Because it never made any sense to Lev. He was supposed to be happy, wasn't he? He had a home. He had a loving family. He had great friends. And yet he ran out of his house in the middle of the night and crouched down in the middle of the park and cried and cried and cried.

He was ungrateful, wasn't he? His life was perfect; no one hated him or anything. No one resented him or anything. He was supposed to be happy, damn it.

So why wasn't he?

Lev sometimes wondered what would have happened if he'd just quit.

He wouldn't be caught up doing something he never even thought about doing. He wouldn't have to drag himself out of bed in the morning when all he wanted was to sleep and not feel.

He wouldn't be able to see Yaku anymore.

He laughed to himself, a bit bitterly.

To think, Yaku was the person who made everything worthwhile. The one who scolded him almost daily. The one who punched him in places he's already punched himself in before.

Some days, he thought he deserved him.

Other days, he didn't think he did.

Lev sometimes wondered what it would be like if he just snapped. If he banged his head on the wall of the gym just to let everyone know that he wasn't fine.

But he couldn't very well do that, now could he? That would be just another burden to them, and Lev was already just another burden.

Which is why he leaned down on the fence of the top of the school roof, where he wouldn't be just another burden.

The sky was blue and the clouds were cotton white. The world up there was filled with peaceful colors, peaceful everything. If Lev could reach up and touch the sky, he'd never let go.

But that was why people like him lived on the ground, he supposed.

People like him were addicted to peaceful things.

Lev sometimes wondered what it looked like for someone who saw him dance on the rooftops, spinning, spinning, spinning.

The fence wasn't tall enough to stop Lev, so he kept spinning, arms spread out and lips upturned in the fakest of smiles.

Every time he felt dizzy, he continued spinning, even when his legs forgot how to walk, because all Lev wanted right now was to fall.

In the back of his mind, in the place he didn't go to as much as he used to, he still held on to the hope that there would be someone who would catch him.

Lev sometimes wondered about many things. About how it would feel like to fall down the steps. About how it would feel like to get caught in a car crash. About how it would feel like to get other people to do it so he didn't have to.

He wondered how no one ever noticed.

And one day, he snapped.

He didn't know how it happened. Just that Yaku had been telling him that he was improving, and suddenly Lev was screaming, falling, and crying.

He heard Yaku ask if he said something wrong but no, it was Lev who was wrong. Only Lev. Lev was wrong, wrong, wrong.

 _I'm fine_ , he yelled. _I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine._

And the world around him was spinning, dancing around him, dancing along rooftops.

It was too much. Feelings were too much. Existing was too much. Yaku was too much.

Shameful. Disgusting. Ungrateful.

Scared, scared, scared.

He screamed and yelled and cried and sobbed and hated hated hated hated

And then he was looking at a small figure in front of him, asking him about his name.

 _Haiba Lev_ , he answered.

Who was his captain?

 _Kuroo Tetsurou_.

Who was number ten in Karasuno?

_Hinata Shoyou._

Who did he love the most?

_Mama._

And then?

_Papa._

And then?

_Alisa._

And then?

_You._

And then Lev's heart beat was calming down, and he was near to being okay, and he was near Yaku, and that was okay.

He let Yaku wrap his arms around him, and he felt Yaku's shaky fingers run through his hair, and everything was fine.

Lev stopped wondering about things, and started wandering. Wherever. Whenever. He didn't care.

For now, he would settle for going wherever Yaku went, whenever it may be, because now he could smile for real, and that was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> i was pretty sad when i wrote this. the original version was going to be a lot sadder than the final version (hint: angst with a happy ending minus the happy ending) but i didnt want to leave bad vibes so i gave lev a kinder ending. what lev was feeling in the fic was what i was feeling at the time and i just needed to put it into words. in other words (ha), i had to write this fic.
> 
> creds to my sis for coming up w the title for me


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